The way you behave in your relationships with others can come down to one thing: attachment style. What is an attachment style? Attachment styles begin when we are babies! When we are born, we rely on someone to take care of us. Depending on how they take care of us through our childhood, we can form different attachment styles. The attachment style we form as a child can determine the types of relationships we can form as an adult! But, you don’t have to stay stuck if in your same attachment style forever.
I believe you can work towards a new attachment style if you are willing to learn and adjust. Keep reading to learn what your attachment style might be and how it can impact your relationships.
Secure Attachment Style
As the name suggests, a secure attachment style feels security in a relationship. In terms of having strong, healthy relationships, this is the most effective attachment style. You will likely be trusting of others because you know you can survive with or without them. You feel confident in who you are and your ability to be independent while also having strong relationships with others. This means you are comfortable with spending time alone, and you likely won’t experience consistent anxiety about what others think.
Avoidant Attachment Style
If you have trouble expressing your emotions or being vulnerable, you may have an avoidant attachment style. With this attachment style, you may refuse to accept the help of others even if you could use their help. This can stem from being forced to fend for yourself and/or hide your emotions at a young age. You have learned how to take care of yourself, and you don’t want to allow someone else in to take care of you. Instead, you prefer to keep others distanced from your heart. This can lead you to push others away in relationships.
Anxious Attachment Style
If you feel insecure in your relationships, you may have an anxious attachment style. With this attachment style, you may fear that people will leave you. If you see friends going out without you, it is likely that you will take it personally. If you are in a romantic relationship, it can be difficult to feel comfortable with your partner doing things without you. This style will likely lead to relationship anxiety.
Disorganized Attachment Style
In this article by Psychology Today, disorganized attachment is described as “the most extreme of the insecure attachment style.” It may stem from an abusive childhood and can lead you to hold fear and mistrust for those who you also love in your adult relationships. The idea of feeling safe is wanted badly, but it is not believed to be realistic. This can lead to self-sabotage in a relationship.
Why Does Attachment Style Matter?
Your attachment style matters because it is a large part of who you are! In theory, your attachment style has stemmed from your childhood. This may not have been within your control. But now as an adult, it is within your control to own your emotions and work towards your best self. If you have a 100% secure attachment style, that is amazing! You likely are thriving in your personal relationships. If you see some of yourself in the other attachment styles, that is great too because you have an honest awareness of yourself.
It is surprising how much our childhoods can affect our adult lives, and it is important to remember that life is a constant journey of self-growth. You do not have to remain in the attachment style you grew into. You can work on yourself. Some ways to do this are through seeking counseling, reading self-help books, and learning to heal through meditation and journaling among so many other things. Learning about your attachment style provides the knowledge and opportunity to get to know yourself better so you can grow yourself better.
References:
https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html
https://www.healthline.com/health/secure-attachment-2#insecure-attachment