You’ve done it. You’ve finally found a healthy love that you deserve. A love that is patient and kind, caring and calm, soft in all the places where it once felt sharp. And you can’t help but wonder… what’s the catch?
You’ve become so well adjusted to chaos and disorder that you don’t know what to do or how to act in a healthy situation. You find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop, building walls so high that no one can reach you, even if they’re trying to love you just right. In this quiet war between head and heart, self-sabotage becomes your shield. Retreating becomes your comfort zone. But maybe, just maybe, you choose something different this time. Maybe, you choose to stand tall and put your shield down.
You decide that this kind of love, the healthy kind, is what you deserve. So you swim through the discomfort and confront the waves of toxic patterns that once kept you safe. It’s okay, they served you once. But you’re stronger now, and you realize that you don’t need them anymore. So instead, you let your guard down. You allow yourself to receive softness and embrace a love that doesn’t hurt.
It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. And you’re not alone. Because when you finally experience a healthy relationship, it can feel off. Unfamiliar. Even uncomfortable. But here’s the truth: that discomfort is actually a sign you’re healing. It’s a sign that may have learned about love in all the wrong ways, and that it’s time for this to change.
Why Does It Feel Uncomfortable?
Whether it was from a parental figure or early relationships gone wrong, emotional roller coasters are all that you’ve known love to be. Constantly braced for ups and downs, you don’t know how to ride a steady stretch. You never learned how to navigate peaceful love, so your guard goes up because your body doesn’t understand it. Your mind doesn’t believe it. Instead, you start bracing for impact, waiting for the next downfall. And sometimes without even realizing it, you create the downfall for yourself, instinctually yearning for that familiarity.
We naturally feel most comfortable with what we know. And if toxic love is all you’ve ever known, you likely feel more equipped to navigate dysfunction than stability. The danger is, in searching for comfort in a chaotic pattern, you might unconsciously recreate the very thing you’re trying to heal from.
Signs You’re Experiencing Healthy Love (Even If It Feels Strange)
So how do we know that a love is truly healthy, and not just another trick? We need to take a risk and let our walls down where we believe it’s worth it. Slowly and observantly, we can take a deep breath and let someone else in.
Make note of what you’re feeling, and also of what the facts are. Sure, you might feel anxiety from the lack of familiarity. But are you anxious because of toxic tactics like gaslighting or controlling behavior? Or are you anxious because of historical patterns that are looming?
Is your current partner doing everything they can to make you feel safe and secure, but you still find yourself looking out for any sign of danger? If you’re having trouble separating your head from your trauma, here are some signs that what you’re experiencing now really is healthy, even if it doesn’t feel that way yet:
- You feel emotionally safe, even when you’re vulnerable. You’re able to share how you feel without fear of being dismissed.
- There’s consistency, not unpredictability. Their actions align with their words and they’re perfectly clear about how they feel.
- Disagreements don’t lead to disconnection. You can have conflict without fearing emotional fallout or abandonment.
- You’re loved and valued just as you are. Not for fixing them, people pleasing, or sacrificing your own needs.
- Your boundaries are respected. Your needs are honored without the guilt trip.
- You feel calm more than you feel anxious. You may still have anxious thoughts, but the relationship itself isn’t fueling them. This is an important distinction to recognize.
- You can be your whole self without second guessing. You don’t have to shrink, hide, or suppress who you are to keep the peace.
- There’s mutual effort. You’re not the only one trying to make it work because healthy love is a team sport. It’s not one-sided.
How to Embrace Healthy Love
If all of this feels foreign, that’s okay. If everything is going great and you find yourself wondering if it’s too good to be true, you’ll be okay. If you’re experiencing these signs of healthy love, you’re doing better than you think, even if it doesn’t feel that way yet. It’s not because it’s wrong. It’s because it’s new. And like anything unfamiliar, healthy love takes time to adjust to.
The key is staying close to yourself. Stay connected to your body. Tune into what you’re feeling. And when something triggers old fears or stories, try to respond with intention instead of reactivity. Let yourself grow into it. Let it show you a different kind of love than what you’ve known. One that doesn’t hurt, one that doesn’t confuse, one that doesn’t ask you to trade your peace for passion.
Because this time, it’s not a trick. It’s healing.
And you deserve that healing. You deserve this kind of love.