Fighting in a loving relationship can be really draining. Hurtful things can be said, the air can take time to clear, and time can feel wasted. But, it does not have to be this way. In fact, it is healthy for couples to fight once in a while. In this article on Oprah Daily, a licensed marriage & family therapist says she “would be worried” if a couple told her they never fight. So, how does a couple fight without resulting in both people hurt and licking their wounds after? Keep reading to learn how to effectively fight in a relationship.
Things You Should Do When Fighting In a Relationship
Think before you speak.
While this is a commonly used phrase that we were taught in our childhood, it holds a lot of power. Also, it is not as easy as it seems. During a fight in a relationship, your blood can boil, your mind can spin with anger, and your mouth can just word-vomit all of it out. When you truly take a moment to think about what you will say next with intention, it can make such a difference. It will prevent regretted words after the fight that may live on in your partner’s mind.
Practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness can be a great tool to keep your argument from falling down a rabbit hole. If you have ever started fighting over something small, which leads to something your partner did 2 years ago, this one is for you! Instead of allowing the fighting words to trigger previous memories, focus your mind on the present problem. If you feel a flashback enter your mind, take a deep breath, remember what happened just now, and let the past go. Return your focus to the present issue at hand.
Fight the problem.
If you take one thing away from this blog post, let it be this. When you are fighting with your partner, you must remember not to fight your partner! Do you not have the same goal of a resolution where you can love each other happily and peacefully again? If you do not, there is a deeper problem that needs to be explored. If you do, you must remember that you are both trying to solve the problem!
This is when it becomes healthy to fight. If you do not fight, you are likely compromising your values or do not care enough to fight. But when you fight in a healthy relationship, you try to fight the conflict so you can better understand each other in the end.
Choose the right time to fight.
In order to effectively fight in a relationship, you have to fight at a fair time. Meaning, both you and your partner need to have time and privacy to give your undevoted attention to each other. If your partner is at work and upsets you, take a deep breath, table your emotions, and plan time to talk about it later. This will create a healthy fighting environment for both of you, rather than creating additional stress.
Things You Should Not Do When Fighting In a Relationship
Do not bring your other problems into the fight.
If you have had a tiring day that leads to a fight in a relationship, you may already be in a poor mood. And then if a fight happens, your mood will likely get even worse! It is important to be fair to your partner by putting your previous issues aside. Go into the argument with a clear head so you can fully focus on the present issue.
Do not be prideful.
Having pride during a fight with someone you love is like throwing the banana at them in MarioKart. It is setting them up for failure! And if you set your partner up for failure when they are trying to get through to you, you are pushing your relationship towards that slippery banana too.
It is important to put your pride aside during fights in a relationship to give your partner a fair chance. If you have done something wrong, do not be too stuck in your ways to admit it and be open to positive change. A simple sincere apology and realization of wrongdoing will go a long way in many arguments. We are all wrong sometimes!
Do not apologize just to end the fight.
If you strongly dislike conflict or feel you don’t have time or energy to fight, it may be tempting to just apologize. Why? So you can move on and be happy again! “Phew. what a relief.” NO! This is not a good solution, because it is important to fight in a relationship. It helps you learn how to be better at loving, respecting, and communicating with your partner.
You may think you are solving a problem by apologizing so you can both move on, but you are only stuffing the problem in your closet by doing this. Eventually, your closet will overflow, and what a mess that will be! You owe it to your partner to give the fight your energy, as long as it is in a mutually effective way with the intent to grow as a couple from it.