Communication is pivotal to a healthy relationship, and it requires conscious effort to maintain. So when one person begins to lose that effort and detach themselves, it can easily create a divide. One way that this can happen is through stonewalling. Whether it is intentional or not, stonewalling is a communication tactic that leaves the other person feeling unheard, frustrated, and disconnected. This makes self-awareness extremely important to avoiding stonewalling. Keep reading to learn more about what stonewalling is, how it can be harmful to relationships, and how to overcome it.
What is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling is when one person shuts down and withdraws from a conversation. They refuse to continue participating in the interaction, often leaving the other person feeling alone and disregarded. Examples of stonewalling can be anything from hanging up the phone mid-conversation, walking away during an argument, or independently deciding that a conversation is over. This behavior can be created through feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. However, it can also stem from a more complicated feeling of being attacked or manipulated. If you believe you are stonewalling someone due to the latter, you may want to reflect on the relationship as a whole first and make sure it isn’t toxic.
How It Can Effect Relationships
Stonewalling creates a barrier to successful communication in relationships. Oftentimes, it can end an argument by default without reaching a resolution. This leads to additional tension and hurtfulness, as one partner seeks a solution to rebuild the connection while the other steps away. Instead of being in an argument together, it leaves one person in it by themself. It can also create a build-up of unresolved issues and set the standard that harmful behaviors are okay if left unaddressed.
Ways to Overcome Stonewalling
If you or your partner think you are engaging in stonewalling, it is important to address it and re-establish healthy communication behaviors. The interesting thing about stonewalling is that while one person might be engaging in it, there is likely a reason why they feel compelled to act this way. Uncovering this and working through it together is essential in overcoming it. Here are a few tips on how you can and your partner can do this together:
- Practice Self-Reflection: Whether you do your best self-reflection through writing, meditation, confiding in someone you trust, or something else, this is an important step in understanding what’s going on. What typically occurs before one of you starts to detach? Which words are said and what feelings arise in your mind and body?
- Try to Understand Each Other: Once you have an understanding of your own feelings, you can explain them to the other person. When you are explaining how you feel, don’t forget to use “I” statements. For example, instead of saying “You never ask me about my day,” try saying “I feel sad when you don’t ask me about my day.” Once you explain how you are feeling, make sure you give the other person a chance to do the same.
- Allow Breaks to Decompress: Have you ever had a fight with someone that keeps getting worse and worse, because both of you are so heated? It can lead to hurtful words being said and heightened accusations being made. It can also lead to stonewalling. Next time, try getting ahead of that happening. When you feel the intensity rising and productivity dropping, suggest taking a mutual break from your conversation to decompress. Recognize that your conversation is going in the wrong direction and decide together when you will return to it with a new headspace.
- Practice Active Listening: A common reason why someone might engage in stonewalling is because they don’t feel heard or understood. When you start to feel this way, it can feel like there is no point to continue trying to explain your feelings. So when your partner is talking, make sure you don’t interrupt them. Try paraphrasing what they say to make sure you fully understand, and ask questions to learn more. Not only will this help prevent stonewalling, but it will improve your overall communication and connectedness!
- Check-In More Often: Avoid situations of stonewalling through preventing heated arguments in the first place. Check-in with your partner regularly to see how they are feeling. If something has upset you, don’t allow it to fester. Address issues as they happen to eliminate them coming up as a problem in an argument down the line.
- Apologize & Forgive: It’s easy to allow your ego to get the best of you during an argument. But what is more important: Being right and hurting someone you love, or recognizing that you were wrong and reaching a resolution? If something you have done was hurtful to the person you love, acknowledge the mistake, apologize for it, and move forward. And if you are on the receiving end of this, try your best to forgive quickly for small mishaps when the apology is genuine.
Next time you feel yourself or your partner pulling away during difficult conversations, try implementing these tips to avoid stonewalling. Once you recognize it, you can address it and avoid it to reach a level of healthier communication. This will break down barriers within your relationship and improve your ability to connect to one another in a meaningful way.