Love conquers all, doesn’t it? This idea makes a heartwarming romance movie, especially when watching in pajamas with a cup of tea. But in real life, it feels a bit more complicated. Love is a strong force, and the rose colored glasses fit just right. But what happens when the glasses start to come off, and you realize that it’s not as simple as you thought? Maybe you’ve been arguing more, maybe you aren’t understanding each other, or maybe you’ve given too much and found yourself drained and empty. Every situation is unique. but it can inevitably lead to the same question: What happens when love is not enough?
As someone who once believed wholeheartedly that it was enough, the lessons learned have not come easily. And this is not to say that love doesn’t have the power to conquer difficult situations – of course it does, and that is beautiful! It is recognizing that love, by itself, cannot be the only factor for a healthy, happy, and long-lasting relationship. Love can conquer a lot, when you have a strong foundation. But it you are missing key components within the foundation, it can sway, it can crack, and it can crumble…no matter how much duct tape you use. If you start to feel like love is not enough anymore, it can be really useful to take a step back and consider your circumstances, individually and collectively. While every relationship is an intricate and unique puzzle, here are a few things to consider…
When Values Don’t Align
When your values align, there is a mutual level of understanding for things like decisions, actions, and even aspirations. Key values might be around topics like family, education, finances, respect, and more. When you are aligned with each other’s values, you can more easily trust that you are on the same page for what you want in the present and future, including the steps you will take to get there. If too many values misalign, it can lead to a frustrating disconnect on anything from big decisions to daily habits. And no matter how hard you both try, you can have a really hard time seeing eye to eye.
Of course, people are different and that’s what makes us all unique and interesting! By no means do you have to agree on absolutely everything, but it is important to be able to align on the values that matter most for each of you. For some people, these are known as the “dealbreakers.” And when dealbreakers are broken, it can cause you to wonder if love is not enough. For those other values that you don’t mind as much, being willing to truly understand and compromise through strong communication becomes increasingly important.
When You’re The Only One Compromising
But what happens if it feels like you’re doing all of the compromising? It can feel like constantly mapping out your steps to follow the other person’s path, while they walk at their own pace in any way they choose. It’s like carrying double the weight, while they are light as a feather, coasting along. This can be exhausting, frustrating, and even lonely. When you continue to make sacrifices and give without reciprocation or acknowledgement, it can start to feel like your needs don’t matter at all. Even worse, it can become a habitual routine that you don’t even really notice. But when that weight you’ve been carrying starts to feel really heavy, you start to notice. And you might start to question if love is enough. Maybe you will sync back up again and embrace the path you are following together, or maybe you will decide you want to see what your own path looks like.
When Trust Is Broken
When trust is cracked, it can be tough to try to glue it back together. Maybe you have the glue, but it’s taking a really long time to dry. Maybe for whatever reason, the glue isn’t sticking. Or maybe, the pieces are too shattered to find their places back. Trust can be broken in many different ways, of different calibers. From seemingly little lies to infidelity of different kinds, the absence of complete trust can cause you to question everything. It can cause you to lose that warm feeling that this person always has your back, that they would never hurt you, and that you can always count on them. Trust is one of those foundational pillars in a relationship, and when it breaks, it hurts no matter how much you love them. It is up to you to decide whether that trust can be glued back.
When Love Is Not Enough
When things like this happen, love suddenly doesn’t feel like the magic potion we wish it could be. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, it might not be enough to carry you through all the obstacles of life. If your values are too far apart, every challenge can feel like the world is against you. If you are the only one making compromises for the other person, it can start to deplete you. And if trust is broken, there is no telling what magic glue can fix it.
So what do you do when you start to feel like love is not enough? Take a step back and take the time you need to assess the situation. Be willing to ask yourself some really hard questions with honest answers. Be willing to push back on what you know you deserve. And be willing to take the rose colored glasses off so you can truly see.